Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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