I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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