Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he shaved USA in his pubs
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
