I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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