I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
