Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
