i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
