I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
