I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
