Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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