dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
