I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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