oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
