I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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