I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
