wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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