He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
