Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
