Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
