im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
