In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
