pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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