i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
