Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
