Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Your dad touched me again.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize