Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
