Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
