Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Less talking, more tequila
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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