In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
