My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
