There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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