made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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