I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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