Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
