just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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