i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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