Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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