I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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