Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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