Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
