Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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