Im at strip club and am horny
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
