you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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