I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
