try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
