before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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