Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
