i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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