can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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