I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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