dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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