Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
