my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
