Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
