My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
