i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
worst night to have a conscience
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
