He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize