Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
