You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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