I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
