i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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