oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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