I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
