at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
So much rum. So many feels.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize