Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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