I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize